Supermarket....

Have you ever been in such a good mood and thought "Shit! I need some bread!". I have.
Have you ever then thought "I should go to the supermarket and buy that bread that I so desperately need! Especially seeing as supermarkets are places full of joy and happiness and a visit there will most definitely not spoil my mood!". I have.
If you haven't done this, NEVER DO IT! YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELF!

This is because the supermarket is by far the most depressing place in the world. Say you go in there.... looking for bread, cheese, beans, potatoes, and peas.

Bread - It's the middle of the afternoon, and most of the daily bread has gone, you're left with cheap brown bread that tastes like cardboard, bread that has green moldy syphilis patches, bread that hasn't finished being made (a.k.a. granary bread), and then you have that one remaining loaf of 'nice' bread. The one you usually buy! Which would be incredibly lucky, minus the fact that it's squashed into the corner of the shelf, with a few slices missing because some kid got hungry walking round the shop, and their bad influence of a mother pulled out a slice or two for them to nibble on, leaving the bread bag open for the it to go stale, and consequently you would much rather eat the syphilis bread that put the stale, child molested, half missing loaf anywhere near your shopping trolley.

Your next mission is then to navigate around the supermarket, with your trolley with a dodgy wheel, which (as it happens) isn't bad luck on your part. You always feel like it's always YOU that gets the trolley with the dodgy wheel, NEWSFLASH, there is no trolley with the dodgy wheel, ALL trolleys have a dodgy wheel, so your fucked from the start to be honest. The evidence for this is around you. Everyone is SO miserable! This is mainly because they have a trolley with a dodgy wheel. But it is also because majority of them are elderly, and lets face it, the elderly are never happy. You always get caught in a trolley jam as well. Which is nice, especially when you get stuck behind the legendary 'farting granny' who never seems to move unless she uses her own bodily gases to propel herself forwards.

Cheese - So you finally get to the wall of fridges, and the temperature has dropped so significantly that you have to pick up a freshly cooked chicken before hand so that you can keep your hands warm and prevent frostbite. You're at the milk, so logically, cheese would be close by. No. Actually, the designers of the supermarket thought it would be HILARIOUS to put the cheese RIGHT DOWN THE OTHER END. Fucking marvelous. So you trek down to the other end of the wall of fridges, trying to control your trolley over milk spillages, yogurt spillages and farting granny residue, until you finally reach the cheese. Now cheese is a wonderful thing. It's one of the only things (apart from wine) that gets more expensive the more it goes off. But the problem with the moldy cheese, is that no-one really wants to see it... and so they wrap it in foil. But then people want to make sure it IS moldy enough for their tastes, and take the foil off. They then realise its the right moldiness, and get a new one off the shelf. Leaving the moldy cheese out in the open to breathe. And suffocate others with its feet like stench.

Beans - The tin can isle is my favorite. Its all shiny, and clean, and looks like a wonderful fortress. And you never know what you're going to find in a tin can either! You get the usual, beans, tinned fruit, custard, meatballs, spaghetti shapes and letters (so you can spell 'cunt' with your food at a young age and eat it before the parents see). The you get the bizarre, like SPAM, oiled peanuts, or blow up dolls. And someone has always ripped the labels off some of the tins, so you never really know whats in them, it could be cat food.... or it could be the blow up doll that your cat really wanted ;-) There's always a spillage on the tin can isle as well, which is confusing. Some moron must have come in with a tin opener, opened a tin because he didn't believe the label, and then thrown it on the floor when he realised it actually was tuna fish, and not them curried sultana's that he really really wanted. Either that or its a small kid with an axe.....

Potatoes - The veg isle is a homeless mans delight. Too often have I seen a hobo sitting down to a three course meal of bananas, grapes, carrots and whatever other veg is out loose in the veg isle, just eating it straight out of the displays, grinning from ear to ear as the juice dribbles down his face. His gross, unwashed hands caressing all the loose fruit that you are going to buy. It's wonderful! I love a bit of grime on my aubergine! Potatoes that are kept safe from wandering hobo hands are in BIG heavy bags, and come in one of two ways, washed or UN washed. Now call me a snob..... but why the hell would I pay for dirt? If I wanted my veg unwashed, I'd have a hobo on a leash that could go round fingering all my food...

Peas - Finally we get to the frozen foods isle. And by now you are depressed. Very very depressed. You can see the checkout's, and there is one without a huge huge huge queue. The person sitting on the till looks like she dropped out of school at age 8 with six kids and another on the way, but there's no queue, so you hurry to find your peas. The freezer isle is the complete opposite to the fridge isle, its like being in the Sahara as the freezers expel all the heat, so you slowly take more and more layers off as you wander down the isle. Unfortunately, the farting granny and the homeless man have had the same idea, and they are getting naked too. Now I don't know if you've ever seen a homeless man without his fingerless gloves on... but I reckon it's a criminal offense for them to NOT wear them because his hands were like the scrotum of a fat guy with the clap. Next he goes to undo his hobo jacket... and it's all to much for you, so you throw yourself into the pea freezer, looking for that bag of pea's you so desperately need.You have to fight through all the split bags of peas first, but pushing the little green snowballs around has sent your finger temperature into a spasm and you can no longer feel your hands. You start getting flashbacks of your shopping experience as you reach the bottom of the freezer, the hobo and his clap hands massaging a pair of melons, the farting granny and her arousing aroma, the little kid with the axe in the tin food isle, the moldy cheese that smelt like your Aunt Dorris, the milk and yogurt spilled all over the floor, and your trolley with the dodgy wheel. But finally, having almost completely fallen headfirst into the freezer, you find a bag of peas that isn't split. You get the bag out of the freezer, shed a few frozen tears of joy, and then kill yourself because some fucker has run off with your trolley.