Shower Dimples

With all due respect mister shower designers.... you are ridiculous.

Yesterday morning I was having my annual shower and there was a particularly unpleasant sensation in my foot. Kind of like a stabbing pain. But blunt. And with no penetration. Like stepping on a stone. But I wasn't stepping on a stone. Because I was in the shower. And showers don't have stones in you fucking idiot.

No, I was stepping on a shower dimple. This is not the correct term for what I was standing on. But I really can't be fucked to write 'one of those lumpy bits that shower designers put on shower floors to stop you from slipping over'.

So I was experiencing an unpleasant sensation in my foot due to a health and safety measure. Kind of like having to wear a seat belt when your younger but your parents can't afford a booster seat because they already had purchase the crowbar to steal the car you're in, so you won't have any funds for the next year or so. And the seat belt is digging into your neck, like a machete slowly carving into your jugular. Except this was like stepping on a stone. The two experiences are frighteningly similar. AND, whilst slightly off topic. I fucking hate seat-belts. they are bullshit. Sure they'll save your life... but they're uncomfortable and break your ribs. And if your fucking stupid enough to drive your car that forcefully into something that you'd catapult yourself through the windscreen then its probably saving more lives by you being dead and off the road to be honest.

So I'm standing on this shower dimple that is preventing me from slipping, and I decide that actually, its so uncomfortable that I'm going to have to move my foot off of it, because it is ruining my shower. So I slide my foot off of the dimple. A combination of shower gel and smooth shower floor leads to me slipping against the shower wall... which also happens to be the door, so it falls away leaving me falling out of the shower onto the radiator behind me. To which blood and lather and shampoo and pubes go everywhere, and I'm not due to have another shower untill 2011.

Needless to say, showers are a death-trap. And I can't help but feel they would be a safer place if they replaced shower dimples with seat-belts. Fucking morons.

Paper, rock and this game really really sucks

So paper, rock, scissors (or paper, scissors, stone as it is known by some morons) is an old classic that everyone knows how to play. If you don't know how to play then leave. Get out. Right now. Go.

I know you're still reading even though you have no idea how to play, so I'll explain to you. Each player, after a count of three, simultaneously creates one of three symbols with their hand. each of the three symbols beats another symbol and is beaten by another symbol, making every symbol equal in strength. Well at least it would... if the men didn't always go for rock, because subconsciously they like to compare themselves to something hard. And women always go for scissors because they like to compare themselves to something sharp. And nerds like me always go for paper against a man and rock against a woman because they are aware of these facts and think it makes them clever. It doesn't. it makes them stupid, moronic, and it makes it very clear that they have too much time on their hands.

But then stupid, moronic, 'too much time on their hands' nerds like me actually start thinking about how BOLLOCKS this game is. The principle is paper wraps rock, scissors cut paper, and rock blunts scissors. But if your rock blunted my scissors... then my scissors are not going to cut your paper at all! And depending on the size of your rock... my paper may not wrap it! And how is wrapping a rock beating it anyway... the main body of what still remains consists mainly of rock. Surely a rock could be used as a paperweight... to hold the paper down and stop it from using its amazing wrapping power... And cutting paper doesn't actually kill it... because besides the fact that none of these frigging objects are alive, cutting paper in half actually multiplies it... leading to many smaller sheets of paper, which may well be able to gang up on the scissors in an epic battle between good and evil, and eventually and defeat it with a right hook and a pickachu's thunder attack.

So actually... this game is BULLSHIT. Especially seeing as last time I played I chose scissors and the moron actually pulled a piece of paper out and sliced it between my incredibly accurate scissor mime, giving me the most painful paper cut I ever got. So infact, paper beat scissors.

WHAT A LOAD OF CHEESY COCK WANK

Take that Take That...

I gotta admit it. Take That's new album is as lovable as a miniture kitten riding a miniture tortoise and mewing. And for this reason Take That, I FUCKING HATE YOU.

Now, my music taste generally sucks. When people are listening to the 'in' tunes, I tend to be jamming out to soundtracks from video games and movies... on my own... in my room... pretending to dance with this guy called Pete... but remember, he's not real (i'm 'on my own, in my room" remember?! keep up you twat!)

So when i downloaded Take That's album with the intention of going "Whats all the hype about? oh look, generic boy band songs, i wanna kill myself. DELETE", i was having a generically nice day.

Then i listened to the said album.

AND IT WAS FUCKING INTENSE!!!! What the fuck Take That!? And so now my life is ruined....

I played the album again REALLY LOUDLY, and my house mate heard. She ran upstairs, realised it was take that and then ran down the stairs screaming in pure horror, falling and hitting her head. Because of incredible loudness of my music I couldn't hear her fall, so it was fine cos I didn't care. Then because of my excessive jumping around to the AWSOMENESS of the album, I got hot, so I opened my window... Then all the neighbours heard and were so horrified by the amount of take that-ness that they called the police. When the police came around, I couldn't hear the sirens over my AWSOMELY loud music, so I just kept raving, leading the police to lob a smoke grenade through my window. I was then both blinded and aware that something weird was happening, so I headed down my AWSOME stairs in my AWSOME house listening to my UBER-AWSOME album, and because I couldn't see anything, fell over my unconscious and 'brain-bleeding all over the floor' housemate, smashing my nose on the wall. By this time, the police were on high alert because of the continuous Take That factor in the street, and the SWAT van came out. So SWAT men were shimmying up to my window, my nose was covered in blood and my housemate was dead on the floor. But did I care? HELL NO! Because the album hand just finished... and then STARTED AGAIN! :-D :-D

The police barged down my door, came in and grabbed one of my arms. I was jumping around with a HUGE smile on my face. The combination of smoke bomb, blue flashing lights and blood dripping down my face created an incredible rave/mosher type atmosphere. I turned to the policeman and said

"Can you believe this?! It's awsome! But its Take - "

The SWAT men reached my room and exploded my computer. The music stopped. My ears rang and an eerie silence filled my head. I entered a horrific rage...

I grabbed the policeman in the bollocks and twisted. I then tried to run up the stairs, screaming Take That lyrics to compensate for the lack of music. Tripping once again over my house mate, I fell up the stairs, falling into a SWAT man who was now coming down the stairs. As i fell into his legs, he fell forward on to me. My face smashed into the step, my crotch into my housemates head, and the SWAT man fell on top of me.

I woke up in hospital. I had bandages everywhere. my leg appeared broken, as did my arm. My face was evidently all bandaged up, and my nose felt crunchy. I had a drip, which I assume was giving me some sort of pain relief. I buzzed the nurse immediately and said

"Do you have a copy of Take-That's new album?"

She took my pain relief away. She never gave it back. She's a bitch. I hate her. I hate Take-That.