Body Language....

Body Language......

The Language of the Body......

I can't believe you get psychologists and sociologists studying this crap. Seriously, what a load of WANK. I was in a workshop on it today, and my god was it hilarious. Did you know if my hand is open with the palm facing upwards while I'm speaking it means I'm on the same level as you, or below you, and if my hands the other way up it means I'm being assertive and am in a position of power? Apparently that's a fact.Nevermind the fact that I am obviously far supirior to you but have hideous, green, oozing, genital warts that have spread onto the backs of my hands from me polishing the old gherkin...and am therefore am not going to show them to you... infact, what i might do, is put my grotesque hands into my pockets.

NOOOOOOOOOO! Putting your hands in your pockets makes you look like a lower class slob with no qualifications except that one GCSE in art which you only got because you blew the teacher! You must NEVER EVER put your hands in your pockets.... fucking JOG ON!

NOOOOOOOOO! Never jog anywhere, or walk too fast as it implies that you are far to busy and important to help people. Well NEWSFLASH lady... I AM too fucking busy to help people.... that's why I'm FUCKING JOGGING! Twat.

NOOOOOOOOOO! Don't get angry and use bad language as it shows you are an angry person who uses bad language....... DOES IT???? REALLY?????? WELL FUCK ME SILLY I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA!

NOOOOOOOOO! You should never use sarcasm as it is a form of mocking, and makes other people feel upset and diminished.

Okay then lady. What CAN I do???

Well.... apparently, I can hold my arms in front of my body, with my head looking up and my gross warts staring every customer in the face and occasionally squirting green fluid at them. That way I can win the "Employee no one wants to touch, or go anywhere near, of the month" Award. Thanks. Useless fucking woman.

OH! Wait! Here's my last tip (and my personal favorite). If you ever want to be more persuasive towards someone, they are far more inclined to do it if you touch their elbow.

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THEIR FUCKING ELBOW?!?!?!?! If some twat came up to me and grabbed my elbow and said "Fancy a shag?" I don't think the fact he grabbed my elbow is gonna have much significance on my decision to be honest. I think I'm gonna think he is a freak. And run away. Now if someone came up and grabbed my balls and said "Fancy a shag?" It'd be a far more successful story. Not because I'd say yes. More because I'd be very aware that he was likely to catch my warts and hence, piss myself laughing.... all over his hand.

Serves him right the dirty fucker.