Another Update for Geeks.

Okay, so I havn't written anything for ages, and there is a MASSIVE list of reasons that will both stun and amaze you. For this reason, I shall not tell you why I havn't written anything on my blog for almost two months, because I do not want you to be either stunned or amazed. I will instead reform back to my old style of writing and have a big old rant.

Video games take up a big chunk of my life. I enjoy them, and they provide a brilliant relief from the horror that is everyday life. This is why when a video game gets it horribly wrong, I get very very angry.

I understand some people are not going to be very familiar with video game lingo, and so i shall try and explain why i was so angry as simply as i can. I was playing a game where you control an army of wonderful creatures, that go around terrorizing the poor people that work in factories and mine shafts in order to gain resources to create more creatures to terrorize more poor labourers. So the concept is very simple. However there are also other players, going round terrorizing said workers for said mines and factories, and this is where your army comes in, because you don't want these people terrorizing the people that you were going to terrorize, or WORSE, they may be terrorizing the people that you already terrorized, and hence stealing your mine/factory. Is everyone still with me? Good. (And if your not still following then you are obviously retarded and should go and suck on a block of wood or something and leave me alone.)

I had been playing this ridiculously cyclic game for quite a while, and my army had a brilliant array of mystical creatures. I was particularly proud of my dragons that were made of black boners.... i mean bones, and breathed green jelly all over people to make them die. They cost a fortune in resources but somehow, mainly through my brilliance, i had managed to accumulate 14 of these amazing beings, and i was decimating people left right and center. I was so happy i jizzed in my pants without even using my hands.

Imagine my delight when out of the blue comes a computer controlled player with only 11 dragons. Some of you may be confused as to why i was delighted about this, but it's really very simple. I had more dragons than him. And dragons really could only be beaten by more dragons. And this player was in control of alot of mines, and so if i beat him, i would own all of his mines. Its kinda like monopoly but with gold pieces instead of paper money, and more monsters, and violence, and no banker, and no fiddly green houses that get stuck up your nose, and no arguments about who gets to be the fucking dog.

So i joyfully attacked this CPU, and his army of dragons came strutting up to me looking like a nerd who just got laid, so i sent my dragons straight at him to make them less smarmy. I lauch an all out attack and kill ONE of his dragons. I thought.... "Okay, maybe this isn't gonna be so easy, but i'm bound to win, i've got more dragons". So i sit there grinning to myself and wait for him to take his turn. He launches an all out attack against my dragons and kills ALL OF THEM.

WHAT THE FUCK?! Seriously. It's very simple you fucking retarded game designers.... I HAD MORE DRAGONS. Therefore i should win. Where the fuck were you when they covered video game FAIRNESS at uni you fucking pricks? I HAD MORE FUCKING DRAGONS. Sort it out you fucking morons.

Making this realisation, i then continued to rip my computer monitor off of my desk and throw it on the floor, before jumping up and down on it repeatedly, pissing on it like a dog would on a lamp post (as if to say "Take that lamp post, yeah! i'm pissing on you, and there's nothing you can do about it, you don't even have legs to chase me you fucking cripple lamp post.")  and then slowly sobbing to myself and reaching for the vodka.

Almost two months later i stopped sobbing, put the vodka bottle down amongst all the other empty vodka bottles, and repurchased my monitor, enabling me to once again write on my blog as well as write the fucking cunty game developers a very angry letter very clearly stating thus:

"I HAD MORE FUCKING DRAGONS YOU ARSEHOLES"