So today's kinda important for one reason or another and so I treat myself to a shave. Shaving is by far my LEAST favorite hygienic thing to do, just because its about as boring as watching Orlando Bloom (don't get me wrong, he's pretty to look at... but he kinda sucks), and because you always miss a bit which makes you look like a complete twat. Also, I am always very aware that I am bringing a very sharp object very close to my face. Of course, razors being interesting things... the MORE sharp objects on a razor the BETTER the razor... I can only assume this is because people like the thrill of almost cutting their own throats three times a week...
My hatred for shaving aside, this morning I was feeling pretty confident about the death defying stunt ahead of me being a success, and hence was in moderately good spirits. However on the can for the shaving gel i saw two words... which have made my day into a living hell.
One of them said 'Extra', the other one said 'Creamy'
I can see why this would confuse you, I was confused too! Why would anyone want their shaving gel to be 'creamy'? I then proceeded to shave as planned pondering the difference the 'extra creamy-ness' would have on my face. About halfway through my shave (after doing both sides and leaving a designer beard and mustache combo of shaving foam on my face) I stop and realize that this extra creamyness is doing nothing for my face. It then strikes me that the only thing that ever needs to be 'extra creamy' is food products, particularly cream based food products. I then proceed (like any normal yet confused human being) to squirt shaving gel into my mouth like I was eating a can of squirty cream.
Needless to say, it was FUCKING HORRIBLE, and made my entire throat feel like it was burning. I felt like I was going to be sick, the room was spinning, it burned right up to my nostrils, and worst of all it gave me hiccups and indigestion. I then tried to continue with the rest of my shave whilst chewing a Rennie.
The rest of the shave WOULD have been fine if the 'extra creamy' shaving foam hadn't fucked with my head, found its way down my throat and given me hiccups, because next thing I know every down stroke I take with my death implement (that's my razor for those of you who are retarded and can't keep up) I hiccup and cut my face. However I need to plod on with the shaving because otherwise, as I mentioned earlier, I would have looked like a complete twat. So I finish shaving my face, cutting myself with every stroke. And now I have to prepare to go to a funeral with a designer beard and moustache combo made of a mixture of blood, scabs and waterproof plasters (Which is more false advertising because they aren't waterproof at all, the fuckers just fall off.)
The moral of the story? People who work in advertising are cunts. Only use the word 'creamy' for shit that can be ingested. Fucking retards.
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